Driving Tips

If you don't want to crash, DO NOT DRIVE FAST when the roads are snowy, icy or rainy. (Yes, even you donkeys in your SUVs.)

And you dumb-dumbs who go too slowly because you're busy looking at your phone, PLEASE PULL OVER.

We NOBODIES are easily impressed

I was at the local hair cutting establishment this morning and overheard a 20-something man and his 20-something stylist chatting about how the man was somewhere (I didn't hear that part) and saw Ralph Macchio sitting alone and couldn't believe it and so he chatted him up for 15 minutes and oh my god that was unbelievable.

One time at the airport my husband met the stars of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" - people I wouldn't recognize if there was a lot of money involved - and yet, I was super excited to hear about it.

It's like there's US and then there's THEM and rarely the twain shall meet, so when it happens it's like one of those rare astronomical occurrences.  Right now I'm reading "The Andy Cohen Diaries" and all he does is bump into other celebrities.  US.  THEM.

When a neighborhood changes

I would like someone to explain to me exactly how a neighborhood 'changes'.  I just drove through the neighborhood where I grew up.  I have such fond memories of this place - playing outside all day and night, walking to the library or a friend's house, feeling safe and happy. That same neighborhood is now dirty and worn down.  Trash strewn everywhere and houses in disrepair.

How does it happen?  Who is the first family to move out where the people who move in are different from the rest of us in the neighborhood?  Does this happen in every city or just mine?  I just can't figure out how a nice, safe neighborhood becomes a filthy slum. HOW does it start?  I know it sneaks up on you, but that's all I know.

I know people who grew up in nice neighborhoods and their parents still live there and it is still a nice neighborhood.  Is it only because their houses are slightly bigger and more expensive than my childhood home?  Or is it because these same children who were raised there, then grew up and bought their own house in this same neighborhood?

I would LOVE to live in a house like the one in my old neighborhood.  Those houses were built to last, solid brick and stone, plaster walls, cool built-ins.  But that's not going to happen because the trash all over the street and the crime there make me not want to raise my children there.

My parents felt compelled to move 15 years ago because of this 'change'.  People weren't cleaning up in front of their house, they weren't maintaining the exteriors and there was a lot of noise at night. The crime rate soared.  WHERE did all these dirty, loud, crime-prone people come from?  Where WERE they prior to moving into our beautiful neighborhood?  Did they WANT to ruin our neighborhood? I am going to research this and ask opinions and see if I can figure out how this happens.  Hopefully you'll see an updated post soon.

Kids grow up and hardwood floors can be installed in any house

If I see one more person say they want 'open concept' or that they can't buy the house located in the perfect location because it has carpeting, I will throw my lug wrench at the stupid HGTV.

I occasionally flip to this channel and I swear to God EVERY time, regardless of the show, they are saying 'open concept' and 'hardwood floors'.  YAWN.

You donkeys always want to see your kids while you're in the kitchen.  First of all, no one cooks THAT much.  Next, your kids will be IN the kitchen with you a lot. They like to eat.  Finally, kids grow up.  When they are teenagers you will be giddy over the fact that you can remain undetected in the kitchen for long stretches of time.

Only concern yourself with one thing when buying a house:
LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!

By the way, Tracy Morgan

You suck for not wearing a seat belt.  I would have been over the moon to see a Brian Fellows' appearance on SNL40.

Gag me with spoon, Eddie Murphy

I feel I missed something huge when, during the Saturday Night Live 40th show, Eddie Murphy came out on stage like....(I don't know... Who's more important than the President?).... God?   I waited for him to do or say something funny. Instead, he stood there accepting accolades for what seemed like an eternity. WTF?

WHEN did Eddie Murphy become such a monumental figure?  After The Nutty Professor?  I used to really like Eddie Murphy, his characters on SNL as well as some of his movies; however, now I think he's a bit of a jerk.

You should have stayed home, Eddie.  At least I would still like you.

If you want me to remember your PRODUCT, irritate me

I don't see too many commercials thanks to my DVR in the bedroom, but the TV is always on in the kitchen so I can't always avoid them.

For some reason, whenever I really laugh at or enjoy a commercial, I never remember WHO is selling WHAT.  For example, I love the Salt-n-Pepa "Push it real good" one but sitting here right now, I have no idea what they're selling!

HOWEVER, I can HONESTLY tell you that I will never buy anything from Honest or Big Lots.  Those two commercials irritated me so much during the holidays, that I made a mental note to never give them my money.

It seems Honest hired a 5th grader, whose most recent vocabulary list included 'product', to write the script for their commercial. "The Honest products are products that we mail these products to your house so you can use the products..." ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?

NEXT was the lovely singing lady of the Big Lots ad that ran over and over and over and over and over again every two minutes until I actually CHANGED THE CHANNEL and watched something else for fear of that ad running AGAIN.

I can hold a grudge like nobody's business.  I will talk smack about these companies and my kids will go without diapers or Christmas presents before I shop at either one.

I know the truth, Facebook Posters

Turns out all those people with their selfies and groupies are causing the rest of us ordinary folks great angst.  There is now a very specific type of depression caused by reading Facebook!

We were out with friends last week (this group hasn't gotten together in years) and they started taking pictures and wanting to put them on Facebook - presumably perfectly normal.  When I told them about what I'd recently read about viewing all these happy people on Facebook, doing spectacular things, with all their friends, and how it was making some of the readers depressed, they kind of quieted down and agreed how that could happen!

Say you have 50 Facebook 'friends' and every other day, every other one of these friends is posting a picture of a dinner out, a party they attended, good news about their kids grades in school, or their fantastic love life.  WELL, viewing all that every day is enough to make you feel downright sad about your own life! You're no doubt thinking that you rarely do all these exciting things and that everyone other than you has a spectacular life.  YOU ARE WRONG.

These same dumb-dumbs, with all this time on their hands, NEVER post about the fight they had with their boyfriend, the 20 pounds they gained, their miserable job, their rude neighbors, their horrible unwed sister who got pregnant and caused mom and dad to divorce, their shitty car that breaks down every day, their savings account with a whopping $5.02 in it, and so on and so on.

Think about it.  If you ONLY told your (real) friends the good or happy stuff that happens, they too would think your life is persistently delightful.  But that is NOT REAL LIFE.  So every time you read these perky bits on Facebook, READ BETWEEN THE LINES.  That group of seven smiling women?  Four of them are divorced or considering it, or have been in an abusive relationship, or have an eating disorder or some kind of anxiety.  And the other three aren't living a charmed life either, what with missing the train this morning and being late for an interview, getting a blister from uncomfortable shoes, and fighting with their husband about whether or not they can afford a vacation this year.

AND BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR those vacation pictures will be posted in a few months, but remember not to be jealous.... because I doubt they're also posting the $5000. unpaid credit card bill that goes along with it.

So don't let Facebook get you down.  Let these people do what they have to do to feel better about their lives; send them a few LIKES but then get back to the real world - it's much more interesting here.

Thumbs Down to Seth Meyers

Thumbs UP to Seth Meyers most of the time, especially when he was on SNL, so witty and smart... I miss that guy.

Thumbs DOWN to Seth during his Late Night show when he repeats the same nonsense every night about how much they love new studies at their show.  It was adorable the first ten times he said it, then not so much.  AND the shtick with Fred Armisen lying about stuff, etc.  UGH.

A group of professional comedy writers needs to do better than this.  Fire the dumb-dumbs who think it's funny to repeat the same stuff every night and replace them with writers who have at least half a brain.

Watching JIMMY FALLON rehearse!

A few years ago I was hanging out in Midtown Manhattan with my pal Joy and having tremendous fun as usual. On this particular day I insisted we browse the NBC Experience store so that I could pick up a "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon"
tee-shirt.

WELL, while in the store, we were approached by a pleasant girl asking if we wanted to watch Jimmy Fallon rehearse his monologue!  Umm..gee...well... YEAH!

She gave us special passes and we came back an hour later and spent time with around 20 other people listening to Jimmy read jokes.  We sat up in the front row, so we were mere feet from Jimmy (and his writing crew, who were sitting all around the stage too), a wonderfully intimate setting in an fantastic old studio - the SAME one Johnny Carson did the Tonight Show in when he began in New York!)  (Ugh, I hate to be all over the place with this story, but, BTW, I actually saw Johnny Carson at Coogies in Malibu in the early 90s)  SO, Jimmy watched all of us laugh hysterically .. or not.. and then picked the jokes that would make it to that night's show.

Joy and I lucked out again when they handed us stand-by passes for the ACTUAL show taping that day.  We came back and waited patiently with 60 other people to see if we'd get in, but when then got to Joy and me, they only had ONE SEAT left in the theater. Since I was a way-bigger Fallon fan than Joy, I ran in by myself and didn't look back.  (Joy LIVES in Manhattan, so don't feel sorry for her!) The best part of THAT was at the very end of the show Jimmy ran up and down the stairs where the audience sits and he slaps hands, etc. and I was sitting on the end of the row and got a SLAP ME FIVE from Jimmy Fallon.  SWOON.

I was too starstruck to ask him to autograph my Late Night tee-shirt (yes, I always carry a Sharpie with me, like a weirdo) - my only regret.

I don't know if they still do those rehearsals for the Tonight Show, or even for Seth Meyers, but if you get that opportunity, TAKE IT.

I hate myself for watching SCANDAL

If I had a shred of self respect, I would have stopped watching Scandal after the first season.  I watch it and I AM ANNOYED THE ENTIRE TIME.  It is so over written, with characters and their monologues going on and on in answer to a simple question asked by another character.  WHO talks like that?

This is yet another reminder of how imperfect I am.  Or maybe if I watch those dumb-dumbs I will feel better about MY life... No.  I'm sure *I* am the dumb-dumb in this scenario.

Don't be a CRIMINAL

I have an idea.  If you don't want to be involved with police or their 'brutality', DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR.  If you avoid illegal behavior, you might also avoid direct contact with police.  Try it.

I hope you're only getting Botox because it makes you happy

I can't stand that weird stiff upper lip thing (and not the cool British kind) women of a certain age have going now.

These women are getting what I assume to be Botox or its awful equivalent, and it makes their upper lip kind of stiff and strange.  For example, Mindy Kaling, whom I positively adore, has it. She seems way too young to start with that nonsense, but there she is.

This morning on The Today Show, I saw that Uma Thurman has it too.  I'm not talking about the over-the-top face fixes that some celebrities have gotten, like Meg Ryan, Priscilla Presley, Jaclyn Smith, to name a very few.  It's just the little upper lip that now juts out the tiniest bit and annoys the heck out of me.

No one ever says "She looks so much younger with that stiff upper lip!"  But as with most things, if it makes you truly happy and feel better about yourself then I must approve!

Thank You, Musicians!

I am so appreciative of those who were born with musical talent of some sort (writing lyrics, writing music, singing, playing an instrument, arranging music, and so many more things I am sure!) and felt they couldn't do anything else in the world but stay knee-deep in it.  The right song, or even part of a song, can change everything.  Whether you're grumpy or giddy,  a good song can soar you out of this world.

So TODAY, I say thank you to Ed Sheeran (and your collaborators), for bringing Thinking Out Loud to the world.  You made my day.

P.S. Thank you yesterday to The Temptations and Ain't too Proud to Beg:)

Brian Williams must be FIRED

Brian Williams should be fired immediately.  I love Brian Williams.  He's funny and smart and adorable.  He's a crack up on Jimmy Fallon's shows; however, a journalist must be held to a higher standard when it comes to lying.  A journalist can NEVER lie.  Never.  Not even once.

In addition, this nonsense I am hearing how Brian wants to "earn our trust back" is stupid.  He's not my husband or my son.  He doesn't live in my house, so how the heck is he going get me to trust him?

The quality of our society is declining so rapidly as it is, with reality shows and naked pictures of movie stars and what not, so let's at least agree that a newscaster should not lie. He needs to be let go and replaced with a non-liar.

The Girls from Girls UGH

The girls portrayed on the HBO show Girls continue to be SO very unlikable. Not one of them has an appealing trait.  This season they seem to be especially bratty.

• The obnoxious Hannah hated (rightly so) by all in Iowa
• Marnie and her low self esteem, so needy for inappropriate male attention, and her mediocre singing voice
• Shoshanna and her ridiculously embarrassing job interviews.  She's so insufferable to watch.
• Whore Jessa being vulgar and vulgar and vulgar again.  YAWN.

I thought characters had to have SOMETHING likable about them for people to care enough to continue watching (or reading) about them - like layers of personality to engage the viewers, instead of being so annoyingly predictable.

Please let me know if this happens and I'll start watching again.

Measles vaccine or not? Huh?

I don't understand the people who do not want to vaccinate their children.

Do they want NONE of us to vaccinate our children?  Or is it that WE need to vaccinate our children to stop the spread of disease but they don't have to?

I seriously don't understand this "debate"!  If I understand this correctly, they want to reap the benefits of vaccination but they don't want to assume any of the risk. So, are these people HAPPY that measles has made a strong comeback due to all the people who never received the vaccine?  Please explain!

Driving a car in a movie - always unrealistic

It drives me crazy when a character is driving a car in a scene in a movie or television show and their eyes are off the road for super long stretches of time.
If they were actually driving, they would have crashed and been dead by the end of the scene.