Your choices might be few when you get old

Don't be one of those IDIOT people who see frail elderly folks at a nursing home and say, I'm not going to let that happen to me!  As if the people they are looking at once said "I can't wait to be old and helpless with drool coming out of my mouth!  Yippee!"

When I press one of these stupid people about what THEIR PLAN is to avoid becoming feeble, they usually say something even more stupid like, "I told everyone to just put a pillow on my face if I ever get like that!"  Really, Idiot?  So your children should MURDER you?  Sounds like a plan!

Recently someone told me he has it all planned out (this is true) that he will SHOOT himself in the head if he gets 'that way'.  He told his son his plan too.  This smug donkey was so sure HE would never suffer like his father with Alzheimer's Disease in the nursing home.  I asked him what the plan is if he has a STROKE or CAR ACCIDENT tomorrow and can't move a muscle.  He didn't have a plan for that.

If you want to kill yourself RIGHT NOW, I suppose you could avoid getting old or becoming disabled.  Other than that, spend your time visiting people in a nursing home, talking to them, being kind to them and treating them as you would like to be treated should you one day find yourself in the same position.  Vote for people who care about the elderly.  Find ways to make old age better for people, even those still living in their own homes.  And, if you're lucky, karma will say THANK YOU.

Clean your washer!

If you own a front-loading washing machine and haven't cleaned it in the past year, DO IT TODAY!  You will not believe how clean your clothes will be AND you will not believe how gross they used to be and you didn't even know it.

I was guilty of using too much laundry detergent because I thought it made my filthy (lots of boys) clothes cleaner.  I have since found out it does the opposite because it ends up leaving a dirty residue on everything.

Go buy one of those specially-made-for-cleaning-a-washing-machine packs.  Follow the directions.  I had to do it twice because of all the gunked-up Tide in my washer.  Then wash some clothes using the PRECISE amount of detergent required.  I promise you, those clothes will immediately seem cleaner to you. #cleanclothes

Young, beautiful and clueless - but why?

When you're young and healthy and beautiful (and, trust me, your face will NEVER be more attractive than it is TODAY), you don't appreciate too many things in life.  You're happy to buy new clothes or go out with friends in hopes of meeting someone cute. You freak out about a pimple on your cheek or the fact that you can't afford a new car. You spend way too much time worrying about what color napkins to have at your wedding.  You think diseases and violence and big troubles only happen to other people, not you.

When you get older, you start not looking so great, but you get smarter and wiser and more knowing. You might wish you could go back to high school or college knowing what you know now.  What exactly would you do differently the second time around?

What's the lesson we can take away from this?  I wish I knew.

The voice that makes fingernails on a chalkboard seem delightful

Have you heard of Vocal Fry, Voice Fry or Creak?  Trust me, you have.  To understand this (real) thing (Google it!), you have to use your ears.  To begin, put on a television show with any Kardashian girl, then CLOSE YOUR EYES and just LISTEN to the voices (particularly grating is Kourtney.)  That's Voice Fry.

It turns out there is a new generation of grown women who sound like a demented version of a 80s Valley Girl. What's worse?  Fellow female millennials RESPECT this voice.  (There were scientific studies!)

Nasim Pedrad got the vocal fry perfectly on SNL when she played Kim Kardashian in the Kim and Kanye bits.  Check out those old skits on You Tube if you can't stomach putting on a Kardashian show.  But I must remind you that, initially, you will only truly get what #VocalFry is if you HEAR it.

If you work in an office or get your haircut where there are women under 35 years old - CLOSE YOUR EYES AND LISTEN to them and you will easily pick out the dumb-dumb with vocal fry.

I apologize for making you aware of this awfulness.... because once you know what it is, you can't un-hear it.

SPOTLIGHT

Such an incredibly well done movie #Spotlight.  All the actors were outstanding.  I got lost in the story.  I got sickened, knowing it was a true story.  Now I think of all the children who were abused by these pedophiles and I'd love to see a movie about them.... and I pray for a happy ending.

Passive Aggressive isn't horrible if you do it right

I would rather be known as passive aggressive than fake. I have been accused of being passive aggressive, but I'm not alone.  A lot of people throw those words around - I just heard Louie Anderson say it about his mother on NPR!  I know nothing about it except that I speak my mind, sometimes it's compliments, sometimes it's not.  (I'm aware it's possible I have some other psychological issue because I don't keep many thoughts to myself....hence this blog.)

I would never comment on someone's physical features or mock someone with a disability. But I would tell my friends or acquaintances if they said or wrote something incorrectly or if I felt they were making a mistake with their decision making in some way.  And I would be just as likely to tell them that they have a good idea or a nice haircut, they are a very kind, funny or thoughtful person, or a great employee.

The thing is, I say what's on my mind at the time it's on my mind.  I won't smile and nod at you for an hour, all the while stewing, then turn around and tell somebody else how horrible you are.  If I think you're being horrible, you'll know it before I leave you.  I choose my words carefully.  I never set out to hurt someone's feelings.

And it works both ways.  Tell me when I screw up. I love a back and forth banter! I don't like talking about someone behind their back and I don't want someone talking about me - I always relish the chance to defend myself.

If I think something bad about you, I say it because I WANT to hear your side of the story. The more we talk with each other the smarter we get!  I've learned so much by being put in my place by someone who didn't like what I said.  Whether all this is #PassiveAggressive, I have no idea, but there is nothing wrong with being truthful with people as long as you allow them to be truthful with you.

Be a big giant weirdo

Let's go a little retro and add some fun 1940s language to our today talk.  These include:

• "How's tricks?"
• "Swell!"
• "Don't be a heel!"
• "Scram!"
• Ending a lot of your sentences with "See", as in, "I don't know what's going on, see"
• "Get to bed.... I'm sure the Sandman is looking for you!"

If you want to hear all these things spoken by some real #1940s folks, check out the classic "It Happened on 5th Avenue'.